'Twas The Night Before Chemo

Given it's snowing here in Colorado today (it was 75 yesterday!), I thought I'd put a twist on this favorite Christmas Poem by Clement C. Moore (at least as tradition tells it...)

'Twas the night before chemo and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse. The meds were all given and provided with care, in hopes that the side effects would not be there.

The children were still not quite ready for bed, exhausted from homework swimming round in their heads . And Momma in her cap to keep her head warm, had just got to bed after setting her alarm...


When suddenly in the closet there arose such a clatter, I dragged my butt out of bed to see what was the matter.  Away to the bathroom I stumbled about, tripped over the dog and the shoe and stuffed trout. The nightlight was on but not giving much light, as I looked around to see what was not right. And what to my bleary eyes should appear, but a pile of of drugs falling quite near.


Ondansetron, Protonix, Lidocane Cream; Phenotil, Lorazapam coming down in a stream. There was Zolpidem, Claritin and Celebrex too, Diazapam, Decadron — a drug dealer's dream. Finally Vicodin, Paxil and Senokote S, look out here comes more of her pain tablets!


And then in a twinkling I heard in the hall, my daughter asking softly, "Dad, did you fall?" As I poked out my head and was turning around, I tripped on the bottles and fell to the ground. I was in my pajamas all bruised and upset, and I tried to get up and get back to my rest. A bundle of drugs lay strewn on the floor and I looked like a convict caught robbing the store.


My eyes how they sagged, my knee green and blue; my stomach in knots trying not to look at the clock. For I knew that tomorrow would be a long day, back to bed I tried hard to make my way.


I started to grind what was left of my teeth, when I thought of tomorrow and what Julie must meet. I gazed at her sleeping and smiled so bright; how beautiful she looked before her next fight.


She was peaceful and calm, knowing God is in charge, and I laughed when I thought of Him who's so large. A Word from His book and a meal from a friend, gives us hope and encouragement right to the end.


I spoke not a word, but went straight back to bed, and I prayed and thanked Him for keeping us fed. For His grace and his mercy and joy in the midst, of a challenging time where we do clench our fists.


Tho' tomorrow be hard, we do not live in fear, and we're grateful for each day that we have on this sphere. We know not our last day, but there's joy on the way....We live in the promise of his victory today.

50% Done

Not sure why, but I have the chorus to Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" going through my head.  

"....whoa-oh, we're half-way there. Oh-oh, livin on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it I swear. Oh-oh, livin on a prayer." Yeah, I'm totally dating myself, I know.

This has been a good week.  Today was chemo #3. 3rd out of 6. 50%. She is half-way there! We moved it to today because yesterday, the 20th, we celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary.  It was a sweet time together. I took the day off, and we hung out together.  We went out for lunch - and it was was very nice to just be together, relaxed and reflecting upon the past year.  

Every year on our anniversary we do a review of the past year, and seek God's wisdom for what we should be focused on for the next year.  We try to set 3-5 verses that are our verses for the next year, and pray that the Lord would continue to teach us, bless our marriage and our children, and that we would all grow closer to him. Well, that prayer has certainly been answered in the past 4 months!

This year's plan was kinda simple. For two reasons. The first is that we just got back from a marriage retreat and we spent lots of time talking about our plan for next year. The second is that we both felt that the Lord was telling us that this next year is about getting back to what is core - back to the basics. So, it will be a rebuilding year.

Chemo went well today. The process is easier because it's familiar. The physicality is not any easier, but it's not getting worse either. This is a definite answer to prayer. Julie's red blood cell count is down - and while this is not a problem yet, it could be. It's been steadily dropping since the test she had right before the first chemo treatment. She is at 10.7 and if it gets below 10, Dr. Kim will have to do some supplemental treatments for iron deficiency. So, please pray for good counts the next three weeks. She also recovered from a urinary tract infection which sprung up late last week.

Julie's next chemo treatment is November 10.  This should give her a chance at feeling reasonably good for Thanksgiving. We have much to be thankful for this year for sure.

Our family continues to carry on in the midst of the trial. The girls are busy at school. Hannah is dancing 3 days a week and Sarah is spending lots of extra time applying to colleges. Work for me has been quite challenging recently - sadly we had to lay 3 people off this week which was extremely difficult. Please pray for them.

Specific prayer requests:

• Please pray Mark 16:18 for Julie
• That the side effects would be minimal the next 10 days
• Wisdom for Julie in making decision on how to care for herself
• Physical strength and avoidance of any infection
• Perseverance and joy in the midst of the trial

We deeply appreciate everyone's prayer, support, practical help, meals, etc...They all mean so much.  Thank you all for who you are and how you have come along side us.

Proud Husband

I know we are not supposed to be proud, but I just can't help it. I am so proud of Julie.


Proud of how well she is managing this process.  True to her character, she is doing absolutely everything she can to manage her treatment, her side effects, her mood, her approach, her parenting, her wife-ing. And, she is doing an amazing job.


She could be sitting around, sleeping, moaning, grousing, poor-me-ing. She's not.


She is studying, learning, trying, working, and yes a lot of resting and healing.  Here are a few of the things she is doing:

• She is staying spiritually strong by being in the Word, listening to praise and worship music, praying blessings over herself, doing spiritual restoration through splankna, praying with me, reading scripture aloud. 
• She is staying physically as strong as she can, she is going to physical therapy, to the chiropractor, to the acupuncturist (which, by the way has had her 2 days in a row with no pain or nausea meds - unbelievable). She is also trying to get some physical exercise with her walks.
• She is staying engaged with everyday life - helping the girls and I, doing a few chores where she can.  She is researching treatment, healing, foods she should be eating, studying how to reduce risk of recurrence through lifestyle. 

In short - she is amazing!  Thank you for the prayers and support - keep them coming!

Here is a note from Julie:

Hi all!

Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers and for sending sweet notes on FB and through my email.  I love hearing from you and knowing that you haven't forgotten about me.  It's hard to really sit on the sidelines and watch life go by, but that is where I am right now.  Although it may not look like I am doing anything, but I am actually pretty busy with  healing.  Busy has a new look!

 

I am spending as much time as possible in prayer.  My mind is not as sharp as it once was ( and will be again) so my prayers are not long or eloquent.  But they are from my heart and I know that God hears the simple prayers along with the more formal or thought out ones.  Sometimes I read the same Psalms over and over again.  I can't seem to move on from Psalm 103 and Psalm 63. When I get really crazy I move over to 2 Corinthians and hang out there for awhile.  Wild times, my friends, wild times!

 

Healing from chemo takes an enormous amount of energy. I am always tired.  I often have headaches and can't read or type.  This is very sad for me since I love to read and write.  But, I can almost always sleep, and for some strange reason, I can still find solace in retail therapy.  I know, I know, I promised to find another hobby, but I am just looking and not actually purchasing anything.  I am also going to physical therapy to regain my range of motion (limited from the mastectomy) and seeing my wonderful chiropractors, an acupuncturist, a counselor (therapist might be the right word here) and exercising everyday.  Exercise has a new look also!  I will never again make fun of the pink and green 2 and 3 pound weights.  I have been humbled.  Greatly humbled. 

 

My camera is here and it takes beautiful pictures. I haven't actually turned it on yet - but Steven has the whole thing figured out and is ready to teach me as soon as my brain kicks in.  I am so grateful when he can step in and pick up my pieces or figure things out for me.  As I mentioned, I am in such a quiet place inside that not much is getting done on the outside.  Steven has been very patient with me and knows that I am doing my best. We also have had so many delicious meals delivered and we are beyond grateful for that provision in our lives.  While I can exist on oatmeal and melted cheese on pretzel thins, my family cannot.  So, life goes on and meals are enjoyed and pictures are taken while I rest and pray.  

 

When a friend tells me that they are praying, I always send a prayer for extra blessings for that person. I know that praying for a friend, or a stranger, can be a sacrifice and I ask the Lord to bless that sacrifice and expand His Kingdom. So, please know that every bit of love and encouragement you send to me is treasured, and every prayer you pray is multiplied.  I will write when I can.  When I can't, remember how precious you all are.  Love to each of you.

High Viscosity

Molasses. Peanut Butter. Sludge. Motor Oil. Honey. Quicksand. 6 feet of snow.


Pick your favorite semi viscous liquid - it doesn't matter. It feels like we are running (Ok, walking), in any one of them.  Some days it feels like we are walking through all of them.


On one hand, we feel like we have come so far — the initial tests, the diagnosis, the doctor shopping, two surgeries, bad news after bad news, reconstruction, starting chemo, hair loss, emotional distress, a million side effects.  Yet on the other, it feels like we have so far to go. Each week the viscosity seems to get thicker and it seems harder to trudge along.


With every chemo treatment, our prayer is that the side effects will lessen, that she will remain strong, and of course that every spec of cancer will be removed. So far, the side effect prayer has not been answered.  Julie has 2 down and 4 to go.  The current regiment has her last treatment on December 22. In the grand scheme of things, thats a little over three months, and we like to say "we can do anything for 3 months". 


Easier said than done, however.


Julie's spirits are good. Her (our) walk with the Lord is strong. Our relationship is closer than it has ever been. And, she is so beautiful - she glows even though she feels awful. Yet, the enemy is on the offensive. It's still easy to get discouraged, and its easy to get stuck in at how hard this really is. But we remain steadfast. God is good. All the time. He has blessed us, and continues to do so in ways we don't understand or deserve.


Julie has been struggling with some side effects - managing the nausea, pain, bad taste in the mouth, gastrointestinal issues, thrown into menopause, susceptibility to infection, bloody noses, tiredness...it takes its toll. They know me by name at Walgreens.


She has so appreciated people reaching out to her through Facebook, email and texting.  Please know she is getting your communications, but she has had some trouble reading and writing on the computer and her phone, so she has not been able to get back to everyone quickly. She loves you all and will do so eventually.


Many of you have asked how the girls are doing. While that is a bit of a complicated question, overall they are doing well. Hannah is fully engaged in school and dance (and loving it). Sarah is  buried in her senior year, preparing college applications and performing in theatre. Tonight is the Homecoming dance (and they even won their football game!). So, overall they are doing well and leading normal, busy lives. Julie is doing all she can to be part of what they have going on, but misses not being able to be fully engaged as their mom. We are all looking forward to that!


Specific prayer requests:

• Please pray for physical strength and elimination of the side effects. This has been quite the struggle.
• Pray for emotional strength
• Pray for courage and determination and against discouragement (for all of us)
• Pray for protection against infection.  It snowed here in CO today. Cold and flu season is upon us and the girls spend 6 hours a day in petri dishes
• Say a prayer of thanksgiving for the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon us with family, friends and angels who have and continue to help us through this journey. 
• Please pray that the Lord will continues to reveal himself to us, walk with us day by  day, hour by hour, minute by minute. 
• Lastly, there have been some particularly large challenges at work. If the Lord puts that on your heart, I'd certainly appreciate praying for his blessings on the work front.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!