The Fire Swamp

I love "The Princess Bride". Definitely in my top 10 favorite movies of all time.


We own the original book by S. Morgenstern as well as the video tape (yes, a VHS), and just got the DVD as a gift from a friend. When Julie and I first got married, it was our favorite movie.  I gave the book to Julie when I proposed (along with a rose and a huge bag of M&Ms - she couldn't resist!) and read it to her while she was pregnant with Sarah.


If you haven't seen it, rent it. No, buy it. Its a story of true love. The classic love story - with a nice dose of adventure, danger, sadness, happiness, fear, joy, and even a "resurrection" of sorts thrown in.  Its a great parallel for life. Its also a good parallel for our relationship with God. Just as nothing can stop the True Love that Wesley and Buttercup have for each other, nothing can separate from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:39).


Wesley leaves to find his fortune and make a better life for he and Buttercup.  He gets captured by pirates, of course, and she believes him dead. He comes back to save Buttercup who is being set up by the prince (also known as her "pig fiance"). Wesley, disguised as the "dread pirate Roberts", pursues her captors. He defeats them all (you have to watch the movie just for the fight scene and dialogue between Wesley and Inigo Montoya) and catches up to her, still disguised. 


And, after an argument, she pushes him down a huge hill. He reveals himself as he tumbles head over heels, and realizing her mistake she leaps and tumbles down after him. Together again, they run to the only place they can escape their pursuers - right into the Fire Swamp.  


Nasty place, with 3 great terrors: sudden bursts of flame, lightning sand, and of course, ROUSs (Rodents of Unusual Size).  

Our Very Own ROUS - Jake!

Buttercup of course, is terrified. Wesley?  One cool customer. He figures out how to survive the terrors, and even offers to stay forever in the Fire Swamp, as long as he can be with his true love.


I feel a bit like the surgery Julie just went through was like tumbling down the hill that Buttercup and Wesley had to deal with. Steep. Hard. Bumpy. Painful.  But they got back up and were able to share the simple joy of being together. 


Only to face the terrors of the Fire Swamp.


This next week, I feel like we are entering the Fire Swamp. I wish I had the confidence of Wesley. Regardless of the "terrors" we are going to face - chemo, radiation, genetic testing, whatever - we have each other. And most importantly, we get to walk together, hand-in-hand. I love walking hand-in-hand with my true love. And, there is much peace knowing God is walking ahead of us, and will carry us when we can't walk anymore.


Now, if I can just figure out how to avoid the six fingered man and the Pit of Despair...and lets pray we won't need Miracle Max...

Miss Princess High and Mighty

This is a post from Julie....



Wow - this sitting up talent of mine is going right to my head.  When I was always laying down and on heavy pain killers, things just didn't bother me.  Now that I am the princess sitting in my chair and my head is much more clear -I see every little thing out of place.  

Let me give a little background...  I found out about the cancer diagnosis while we were in Maui.  So, I did what just came naturally - I ignored it.  Not totally, but I was determined to not let a little tumor ruin my long awaited vacation in paradise.  I prayed while I was alone and walking on the beach, and I played hard while we were all together.  Perfect balance.  Then we had to fly home and meet with scary sounding people like oncologists and breast surgeons and radiologists.  So much for balance.    What came naturally during all of those appointments was to control things at home.  I can't control this pesky tumor, but I can make sure that every little thing was in place in my home.  Vacuumed, dusted, organized, and labeled.  I even got my dog groomed and my bangs trimmed and my nails done.  It seemed to make sense that when I can't control the big things, I'll focus on controlling the little things.

Back to miss princess high and mighty sitting in her chair. You know where this is going, don't you?  My perfectly organized house is not eligible for a photo spread in Better Homes and Gardens anymore. My dog is shedding and has bad breath, and my children have lost most of the semblance of tolerance they had for each other.  Don't even get me started on the laundry.  (it's mostly clean, but not put away)  I am so grateful for all of the extra work that my family and friends have done willingly.  So, why does the gigantic bottle of hand sanitizer sitting in the middle of the coffee table drive me crazy?  And does anyone know how to change a toilet paper roll?? And the pillows, Lord help me with the pillows that are sitting there with clean pillow cases next to them.  Next to them, not on them.  Jesus, please give me patience and a quiet mouth until I am strong enough to not notice the zillion things that are laying around and give a grateful heart that I am sitting up in my princess chair and able to notice these things.  Balance will be restored - one of these days.  I am willing to bet that that there is a new definition of balance when this is all over.  And that's probably a good thing :-)

Race For The Cure

Julie is a veteran in the Race For The Cure.

Her mom, Katy, is a double breast cancer survivor, and we have walked in the race several times.  This year, it has a bit more meaning.

I am sure most everyone has heard of The Susan G. Komen Foundation.  They are the preeminent non profit for raising awareness about breast cancer and raising money for finding a cure for breast cancer. Interesting side note, Julie's mom actually knew Susan Komen. Small, small world.

The Race For The Cure is on September 11, 2011 at Garden Of The Gods park.  We have created a team, "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" and would welcome anyone who would like to walk with us.  You are also welcome to run in the 5K race.  I don't run. Julie can't run. Our kids don't even like walking, hence the "walk" for the cure. In fact, you can even "sleep in for the cure" if you don't want to, or can't walk. Here is a link our page: Race For The Cure Team Page

We'd be honored if you'd consider joining us! If you'd like to walk with us, click on Join the Oh, The Places You'll Go! Team link on the right hand side.  It will walk you through the registration process.  There is a registration fee (actually a bunch of options), and for the basic adult registration fee of $30, you get into the race, a T-shirt, and a "bib" with our team name on it.  You can also, at your own discretion, make an additional donation to Komen.

Our theme verses will be Philippians 4:12-13, which says "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things though Him who gives me strength."

We will be sending updates on details of the race over the next few weeks. So, look for them here and on the team page.

Progress

I've never run a marathon.  I've never watched anyone run a marathon.


I ran track in high school. Actually, I was in track and field. Mostly field. High jump, long jump, triple jump. And 50 and 100 yard dash and 4x100 yard relay. You get the picture - not a long distance guy. I think the longest I ever ran in practice was a mile.

Today,  I'd rather chew nails than run a mile. I'll hike 20 miles.  Walk 100. But run? Ugh. I've heard the way to train for a marathon is not to start by running 26 miles. Start with a mile, get to 5, then 10, etc.  Progress seems slow.  I'll bet if you can hardly run a mile, 26 might as well be a million miles.

I sense that Julie feels like she has been stuck at the 1 mile mark for a while.  Today, I think she made it to 2 miles.  She sat up for several hours, took a short walk around the house. Went to get her hair washed. Did some stairs - great progress!

Yesterday we went to the plastic surgeon.  We were hoping that the drains would be removed.  Remember as long as the drains are in, no showering. No showering = bad.  Good news, he was able to remove 2 drains, but the other two are still producing a lot of fluid, so they were left in.  We did a sponge bath instead. And figured out a way for her to shave her legs without me having to slash them to pieces.

A specific prayer request is that she will be able to have the other two drains removed as soon as possible.  At the current rate, it could be another week. She's so anxious to have a long shower.  Its amazing how the simple things in life can be so meaningful.

Julie and I are so humbled and grateful for the amazing outpouring of love, and prayer and help.  We have been blessed by so many people. Meals, rides, yard work, thoughts, prayer. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

We are anxious about our meetings next week with the oncologist, genetic tester, breast surgeon, and plastic surgeon.  All on Monday and Tuesday. We are giving it all over to the Lord. He's in control, so we don't have to be.  We'd appreciate prayers to keep that truth in the forefront of our hearts and minds.

Its Not Easy Being Green

Kermit the frog lamented that its "not easy being green."

After yesterday's escapades, I've determined that "its not easy being a woman". Especially for a man, who wasn't designed to be sensitive to all these "female" things.

Yesterday was a much better day for Julie (mostly, see snafu list below). She went and got her hair washed (it was getting pretty yucky after a week), and actually got about 4 inches taken off - its just easier to manage shorter hair.  We also made it to the chiropractor's office and were so blessed and helped.  Hopefully the adjustments will continue to help the neck and back pain.

Try as I might, I can't quite get the finer art of female activities correct.  A quick snapshot of some of my snafus:

• Getting Julie ready to go to the Dr.'s office, Steve notices lots of little hairs on Julie's shirt (from her recent haircut of course). Steve thinks: she won't want all those hairs on her shirt, especially on the front, on her chest, so...I'll just brush em off like I do when I have something on my chest.  Yeah.  Not so good idea - even without recent mastectomy surgery. 
• Getting Julie ready to leave for Dr. visit. Julie wants to "freshen up" (A concept totally lost on men.  Freshen up for men is soaking your head under the sink or the hose). Julie puts on "nice, smelly stuff". Help Julie put jacket on.  Drink in aroma from "smelly stuff". Ask Julie: "Why did you put on bug spray?"
• Getting Julie out of the car at the Dr.'s office.  Its raining (thank the Lord). Dutiful husband exits car, grabs umbrella, runs to side of car where wife is patiently waiting. Opens umbrella. Opens door. Holds umbrella to avoid wife getting wet from downpour. Tries to help recuperating wife out of car. Loses grip on car door. Car door whacks said wife in shoulder. Steps on wife's toe trying to get door out of way. Loser!

I suppose I could go on, but you get the picture. 

I got a few hours of "work work" (not house work) in, which felt good. We had a great dinner provided by another angel. Unfortunately, we had a tough night last night. We tried to give Julie a new pain medicine that would allow her (OK, and me) to, hopefully, sleep through the night. Nasty stuff. Effective but nasty. Julie had an allergic reaction - she developed a rash at around midnight, that she told me about at 1:00.  So I called one doctor, no reply. Called the pharmacist, got an "OK" answer and gave her some benadryl. Back to sleep.

We are leaving in about 15 minutes for the plastic surgeon, hopefully we will get the drains taken out, or at least get some of them taken out (there are 4). 

Please continue to pray for pathology report - we meet on the 1st with the oncologist - we want no cancer in any more lymph nodes, nor anywhere else in the body!  

Looking forward to some male activities soon :-)

Finding Humor

I'm not a cyclist.  


I have some friends who are very serious about cycling. Serious enough to shave their legs (purportedly to get more speed/less resistance?) - yes, that'd be men shaving their legs.  Glad golfers don't have to do that.


Speaking of shaving legs. I wish y'all could have seen me giving Julie a sponge bath, cleaning her hair (sans agua), and yes, shaving her legs. (all without getting water anywhere near her sutures.) It was quite comical. First time I've ever shaved legs, mine or anyone else's. I'd give myself a solid C- . 


It totally wore her out (and frankly, I felt like I had climbed a fourteener when I was done).  Sarah came in about 3/4 way through and edumacated me on the fine art of leg shaving. Too little, too late. When life is hard, its nice to have small moments of humor to break it up. We got a good laugh out of it. 


As I mentioned we brought Julie home yesterday, got her set up in 3 different places around the house for her to "nest" - variety is the spice of life you know. She actually got to sit outside for about 15 minutes. (I promised her I wouldn't get too close with the camera :-)

The Patient enjoys some fresh air

Today is a harder day. She had a lot of activity yesterday - getting home, walking a bit, being brutalized with a razor...maybe too much activity.  She is in more pain and tired, but its all part of the healing process.


The doctor said to make sure she is drinking lots of fluids - which normally, I'd agree with.  Problem is, without hardly any liquid intake, Jules goes to the bathroom about every 38 minutes. Especially when we are in the car. Driving to AZ. (Exaggeration is my prerogative in my blog.) This "drink lots of liquids" edict is taking this to a new level. Especially at night. They should pay night nurses way more than they do.


God is good. All the time. Tomorrow is another day. 

Home At Last

We are finally home!


The procedure yesterday was amazing - it has made a huge difference. Julie spent the night in the hospital, and since I felt very comfortable with her night nurse, I actually spent the night in my own bed. I drove back to the hospital about 6:30 this morning and we left around 10:45.


Now that the headache has largely been solved, and now that she is more coherent, the pain from the mastectomy and lymph node surgery is much more prevalent. Also, the worst of the nausea has abated - seems like the anti nausea meds are doing what they are supposed to be doing.


We are now at home resting, and working on getting her healthy for the next stage.  Here are the next set of activities:

• We meet with the plastic surgeon on Tuesday - hopefully he will take out the drains (please pray for that)
• We meet with the oncologist on the 1st.  This is the first time we will review the full pathology report. (Please pray for a good report - no more cancer in any axillary nodes) Since there was cancer in the lymph node, we will not need to do the Oncotype DX test - its chemo for sure.
• We meet with the breast surgeon and the genetic counselor on the 2nd
• We will schedule surgery for the insertion of a port (for administration of chemo cocktails). This will be done outpatient
• Chemotherapy (I find it quite odd that it has therapy in the word - it sure doesn't seem theraputic) won't start for 3-4 weeks.  They need her body to be healed
• Type and length of chemo will be determined later
• Don't know if she needs radiation - won't know that until later as well.

Thanks for all the prayers and help!!!

Not So Fast - Quick Update

As I mentioned yesterday, Julie has been suffering from a severe headache. I contacted the Dr. this morning and she had us come back to the hospital where a pain specialist (who just happened to be in the OR today) diagnosed her with an "spinal headache" caused by the epidural.


Apparently its fairly common (5-10%) where a patient gets this syndrome after an epidural.  As I understand it, the epidural can upset the normal flow of spinal fluid causing severe headaches. Dr Ripp did a procedure called a blood patch, where there they take blood from your arm, then inject it exactly in the place where the epidural was and it somehow blocks (clots I guess) the spinal fluid that is not flowing right.


Well, it had an immediate effect. Her headache went from about a 14 on a scale of 1-10 to about a 2 in less than an hour. The procedure however requires she be on her back for a while (when she got up, it raced back up to an 8), and it opened up the door for her to realize the pain from the surgery - which is now pretty intense.  So, she was admitted back into the hospital.  I expect her to be released tomorrow morning.


Almost home, sweet home.

Home Sweet Home

Dorothy had it right. There truly is no place like home.


Julie is finally home from the hospital The doctor chased her out of the hospital at about 6:00pm tonight.  The transition home is both relieving and a bit scary. Its so good to be home...but the girls and I are now the primary care givers - no leaning on professional medical staff for delivery of meds, emptying of drains, etc.

Home Pharmacy Is Now Open! Lots of meds and a chart to keep track

Today was a very hard day for Julie, but she made good progress. Slow, hard progress, but progress nonetheless. 


Specific prayer requests.

• She is having severe pain in her head and neck...likely from the epidural being in so long.  Pray that the Lord would remove this pain
• She is having trouble eating and drinking, but needs to do both build up strength and heal properly. This is exacerbating the negative effect of the meds, and making her woozy. Its a vicious circle. Pray she would have the will to eat and drink and that she would start building up strength.
• Please pray that I will keep up my strength and my wits (sleep depravation does strange things to your brain) to be able to properly care for her and the girls
• Pray for the road ahead. This is just the first step in our journey...can't think about that right now, so just trying to think about the next 24 hours
• Prayer of thanksgiving for so many people who have helped, and will continue to help us in this time of need.

Thanks all!

Angels

I'm really glad for hospitals. And doctors. And nurses. 


With nurses in particular, you get the luck of the draw. Some are good, some not so good, and some are true angels. We've had our share of the gamut for this surgery and recovery. I'll save you the details of the "not so good" stories. Suffice it to say that everyone should carefully manage their hospital stay - bring a family member or friend to ensure what's being done, should be done.


We wanted to share the story of an angel.  Her name is Meg. Meg was on her 13th day in a row of 12 hour shifts, with another one tomorrow. 13 days of dealing with sick, and sometimes, some not so nice people. Her sprit of care and compassion were evident.  She told us she felt like it was a horrible day for her, that she was kind of crabby and not on her game.  We told her she was awesome, and if this was a bad day, we couldn't imagine how good she would be on a good day.


It was a rough day for Meg, she had a scare with a patient taking pills, she was tired. She was a jewel for us - so caring and compassionate to Julie. Tough on her when she needed to be (Julie really didn't want to get up and walk), but not too tough. We were praying over Julie and the Lord put it on our hearts to pray for Meg...just when she needed it most.


Later, Julie didn't get her meal - even after Meg called 4 times. After her shift, she went and bought her Chick-Fil-A fries (Julie had been joking she wanted french fries) and brought them back to her.  We prayed for Meg and felt like the Lord gave us a new friend.


There are many, many other angels that the Lord has sent...card angels, helpers, flower angels, prayer warriors, chocolate.

Angel Evidence

Thanks to everyone!


Today is harder for Julie that we thought it would be.  She is quite sick (nausea) from the medicines, and is in a considerable amount of pain. So, pain meds and antibiotic are working against the nausea, but are necessary. We hoped that she would be a bit better at this stage...so please keep praying.


Blessings

Recovery Update #1

Today was a tough day. A good day in the end, but a tough one.  Julie did not sleep a lot last night and was continuing to have some struggles with pain and nausea. I got about (4) 30 minute non-rem "rest" intervals. I'm so tired, I think I could sleep through just about anything - I hope anything includes a person coming in and turning on a light every hour, messing with machines and IVs  and poking and prodding my wife.


Early his morning, the anesthesiologist came in and because of her pain level, decided not to remove her epidural (which was supposed to be removed at 6:00am).  At 1:30, we met with the surgeon and she decided to have Julie stay in the hospital another day.  We also told Julie about the cancer in her lymph node.  That was a particularly hard conversation, but Julie handled with grace.  About 2:00 they took out the epidural and began converting her to oral pain, nausea and other meds.  This is an important step in getting her ready to go home.


We also got her to sit up, gave her a "bath", changed her clothes...all so she could feel human again.  She took a short walk.  All this was extremely hard on her, but its very important as it helps her body begin to function normally again.  


I have seen the inside of a lot of hospitals, seen lots of surgery and recovery. My father, my mother, friends, myself.  It takes on a whole different feel when its your wife.  She did awesome today.


She is a trooper to be sure. As the doctors said, the first 24 hours are the hardest, and then it slowly gets easier over time. Well, maybe they meant the first 48 hrs...


We expect Julie to be released early afternoon tomorrow. Thank you all for your prayer and support - we don't know what to say or how to properly thank you - just know how grateful we are.

Cadence

One thing that I am really looking forward to is taking long walks with my beautiful bride again.  It should only be about 4 weeks, but when you are used to walking nearly every day together for over 20 years, a month feels like an eternity.


There is an interesting phenomenon that both of us have noticed when we walk. We have an amazing cadence. Without trying, we have the same steps, the same stride, the same pace...even our arms are in synch. We could march in the army we are so in synch! What's even cooler is that when we get out of synch - we don't have to work at getting back into a perfect cadence. It just, happens.


I guess that's what happens when you've been married 20 years. 


I wish I could maintain that kind of cadence in my walk with the Lord (and I've known him for over 40 years!). Try as I might, I get distracted. I'm like a squirrel. Or a lemming. Or an ancient  Israelite. His pace is perfect. His steps are sure. His stride is just right. I'm all over the place. Sometimes nice and in synch, frequently too fast or too slow. And sometimes, I just don't feel like a walk. Reality hurts.  When we do walk in cadence with Him, its an awesome experience. Not too fast - Not too slow. Just right. How sweet it is. Or can be. Should be.


Today I feel like I am trudging through quicksand. 4 hours of sleep probably doesn't help.  The news this morning that there is cancer in the lymph nodes hit me harder than I thought it would; or maybe harder than it should have.  Its not that I am fearful for full recovery. Its just that I really don't want Julie to have to go through all the post-op garbage that comes with it. Its taking us off our cadence.  I don't like not being in cadence with her.  I don't like it at all.


Julie is beginning to recover well.  I am writing this from her hospital room. She is very sore but resting comfortably (or it could be that she is in a drug induced stupor that prevents her from experiencing reality and it just looks like she is comfortable). Every day will be progress. Every day she will get stronger and feel better.


I think there is a new cadence that God is asking us to walk in.  With Him and with each other. A slower, more introspective cadence. At least in this short season. 


A very special thank you to everyone around the globe who is praying for her. We have felt your prayers and the Lord is honored. Thank you to those who spent time with me today in the hospital - I am grateful and humbled. You have truly blessed our whole family.


Perhaps some sleep. Soon. Before long, nice long walks.

Surgery Update #2

Hello again

Julie got out of surgery about 45 minutes ago. We get to go in and see her in about an hour. Surgery went very well and Julie did awesome! I am so proud of her.  As I mentioned before, Dr. Green took out 5 sentinel lymph nodes and sent them to pathology.  One was cancer positive, but more may be.  We won't know until the full pathology report is available - another 5-7 days. 

After finding one cancer positive, Dr. Green took out several other axillary lymph nodes, several of which she said were "hard" and those went to pathology as well.  We will know the results as part of the full pathology report. 

Mastectomy surgery went well, as did the reconstructive surgery (the first part). Julie will be in the hospital for about 24 hours.  She should be released tomorrow afternoon. 

Post op activities:

Due to cancer in lymph nodes, Julie will have to undergo chemotherapy.  We will have more details on that on the 1st of August.

We are not sure if she will need radiation.  This will be determined during our follow up meeting after the full pathology report. If needed, it will be "targeted" in the lymph node area.

Due to removal of lymph nodes, she may suffer from lymphodema - the swelling of her arm and hands due to inability of body to "flush" fluids from her arm. This is because the lymph nodes that perform that function naturally are no longer there. 

She is going to be very sore and out of it for a while due to pain meds.


We have a follow up meeting with the plastic surgeon to remove the drainage tubes next week. And a follow up with the oncologist on the 1st of August, and genetic counselor and breast surgeon on the 2nd of August

Specific Prayer requests:

• That they have removed all the cancer.
• That her recovery is quick
• For pain and nausea management (not good right now)
• That she won't need chemo
• That she won't need radiation
• That she won't have lymphodema
• For a clear mind for me - there are dozens of details regarding medications, decisions regarding treatment, trying to get her to do things when she is "out of it" on meds
• For the continued blessing of the Lord - we feel his presence and are so thankful for His provision!

Thank you for your continued prayers!  More in a few hours...

Quick Surgery Update 1

Hello friends


Its been a trying morning.  We got to the hospital before 6:00am.  Julie went into surgery just before 7:00.  The first procedure was to remove 5 lymph nodes and test them for cancer.  Unfortunately the pathology report came back with a positive node.  Not good news. This means she will definitely need chemotherapy after surgery.  Not good news. They have had to remove all the lymph nodes which means a longer surgery. 


We put our trust and faith in the Lord. He has her in the palm of her hand. Good news!


Specific prayer requests:

• That the surgeons get every cancer cell removed from her body during surgery
• That, by some miraculous intervention, we will not need chemo
• That Julie will receive this news and be able to process it when she wakes up
• For strength and encouragement

Thank you for continued prayer!

No Pain, No Gain?

I have a strong dislike for the gym.


Lets avoid the temptation to retort, "well, that's fairly obvious!" shall we?  Hours of sweating with a bunch of people  cooped up inside - not my idea of a fun workout.  Climbing Pikes Peak?  More my style.  The No Pain, No Gain is an old axiom (one that I personally believe way predates Jane Fonda) and is frequently used at the gym. (I know, I'm never there so how would I know?  I know people who know people.)  


The theory goes - you can only get results if there is a lot of pain involved. Is this true?  Is this part of God's design?


Ever hear of Hereditary Sensory Autonomic Neuropathy?  Lets just say you don't want it.  Its a category of disease where the body can't feel pain.  For whatever reason, the pain receptors in the body don't work.


Why do we need to feel pain? From a physiological perspective, it protects us. Hot stove.  Burn Hand. Pain. Don't do that again. Got it. We don't mind it when its a protection. But what about emotional pain? What about pain that comes with illness or disease or not doing something intentional to purposely cause pain (like working out)?


God designed us to be perfect - for all the cells in our bodies to work in perfect harmony. For us to live forever. To have no pain. However, when sin came into the world, that perfect system was broken. Entropy was introduced and the mind and the body break down over time. Temporarily. Of course, we will be made physically new in heaven, and spiritually speaking, we are made new when except Christ into our lives.


Its amazing how God uses that which is meant for evil, for good. He uses pain to make us stronger. Julie has been in some pain lately. We're not sure why, but the area where she has cancer has been hurting.  As we were walking today we were discussing pain - both emotional and physical pain that is on the immediate horizon. Again, while not choosing it or not looking forward to it, we are convinced it will make us stronger. 


The enemy, however, wants to pervert God's plan. He battles us along the way and whispers lies to us.  God doesn't love you. You are going to die from this disease. Why hasn't he healed you yet? Why is God making you go through this?  Lies. Lies. Lies. 


Our prayers this week are focused on staying focused on Jesus. His love, his power, his authority. We are praying for a hedge of protection, for the blood of Jesus to wash over us. For angelic protection during surgery and after surgery. For unity. For strength, wisdom and perseverance. That the pain will quickly lead to strength! And most of all, that we will grow closer to Him and each other along the way.


Thank you in advance for all who have been so gracious in providing so much help, and especially thanks for the prayers!


Big week coming up.  Big week.

Humble Pie

I am not very good at letting people help me.  


Maybe its the "guy" thing.  You know, the "I am a warrior, built and designed to be strong for my wife, daughters and those who have been put under my care" attitude.  OK, maybe you don't know.


This cancer journey is humbling on a number of levels. How frail we really are as humans.  How dependent we are (or at least should be) on God.  How little control we actually have. How little I know about the human body. The fact that we have no idea which breath will be our last.  How little I really know about women.


Then, there is the emotionally humbling stuff. Stuff that I haven't explored deep enough to even write about. One of those emotionally humbling things is the feedback we have gotten about the blog itself.  People have been effusive about how its impacting them.  That is more than humbling because it started out being a cathartic way to journal what was happening to us, and a way to get information to friends and family.  It appears God has different plans.  Bigger plans. Go God.


I feel compelled to make it clear that it doesn't feel like I am writing this...God is providing the words, the inspiration and the timing.  Its his blog. Soli Deo Gloria! (That, e pluribus unim and ex post facto are the only Latin I know) So please, feel free to share this blog with whomever you feel God will minister to.  He knows. Just ask him.


Back to that "not good at letting people help me" thing. Julie, Sarah, Hannah and I are so extremely grateful for the friends, family and body of Christ who have come around us in so many ways.  We are so encouraged by you, and its awesome to experience true community - community the way God intended. And I am learning, slowly, to let people help more.  


People have asked if they can bring meals, whatever. A dear friend has set up a "Care" calendar.  Its pretty self explanatory - under a specific day, you click on the hyperlink, "dinner" for example, and then put in your name and then you are signed up to bring dinner that night.  If you care to use it, you can find it here:


To access Julie Maegdlin's personal CareCalendar site,
visit http://www.carecalendar.org/logon/80614 and enter
the following information in the appropriate spaces:

    Calendar ID      :   80614 (pre-loaded if you click the link above)
    Security Code  :   8146


The last two days have been extremely busy.  Julie has spent hours on the phone with doctors and insurance, visited our main doctor for a "release for surgery", taken blood tests, pre-registered with the hospital and even been to the dentist. I have had a two full days at work, which felt good.


Please pray for us this weekend.  We are going to go into a time of prayer in preparation for the surgery next week.  It kind of feels like the last "normal" weekend we will have for a while. There is a realization that there is a new normal on the horizon.  Good thing God's in charge.


Blessings to all

A Lesson From Dogs

Dogs crack me up. 

They have so much energy and every day is the Best Day Ever!   They are generally low maintenance, extremely loyal and love just hanging out with people. (Primarily their owners, but contrary to what Julie thinks, I think its anyone who will feed them and give them a good 'ol belly scratch now and then).

I love to watch them and see how they respond to things around them. To people. To situations.  There is an innate curiosity and ability to be happy and joyful with the smallest of things. Sleep - Yes! Dinner - Yes!  A walk - Yes!  A kind look - Yes! Mud - Yes!

I love the book (and series) Hank The Cow Dog. Its one of the few books where I literally laugh out loud when reading it. Its life from a dog's perspective.  In this case, Hank, the guardian of the chicken and cattle ranch. It chronicles his ups and downs, his daily emotions.  Hank decides he's fed up and runs off to hang out with the coyotes, but of course, his loyalty gets the best of him and he returns to save the chickens from a master-planned attack from the coyote clan.

On our walk this morning I began thinking about how we often live our lives wishing we doing something else rather than enjoying what we are doing now.  Waiting for the next thing. The next "phase" of life.  The next job. The next house. Hoping for the future.  

I have taken this to an extreme sometimes. Since I was little, I have always wanted to be older than I am, have more experience, be taller. I have also had a "heaven perspective" - a sense that this world, this life, is just a glimpse of the future - that its preparation for the future. I have deep hunger for the ultimate future in heaven.

The apostle Paul talks about this in very candid terms.  Taking the liberty of a huge paraphrase, he basically says:  I'm going to die?  Thats cool.  I get to go to heaven.  I get to live? That's cool - I have lots to do on this earth. Gotta love that attitude.

Cancer is a nasty disease. For the first time in my life, I wish I could freeze time. I wish I could slow the future coming.  Julie is not looking forward to the next 6 months.  Neither am I. But, we get to go through it together, and like a dog, we have to find a way to find joy in the little things every day along the way. The only way we know how to do that is to live in the grace of the Lord.  A prayer from my sister Lori has had a huge impact on our lives...Its a simple one, but profound:

Lord, I ask for and receive your grace today. 

And I have added the following addendum to that simple prayer: ...and I pray that I may share that grace with others.

...and back to the dog theme, ever notice how quick they are to forgive? Yeah...thats a topic for another day.

May we all live in the joy of the moment and walk in His grace today

Seuss-isms

I love reading to my kids.  While I still get read to Hannah, the days of reading to Sarah are long gone. Hannah and I are now reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes - a long way from Pink Drink, The Big Red Barn and Daisy Head Maizie


One of my favorites was always Dr. Seuss' Oh The Places You Go!.  I'm not sure why, but yesterday I found myself thinking about a specific set of "verses" in that book...here is a brief excerpt:

"...You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.  You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.  You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest...

...Except when you don't. Because sometimes you won't. I'm sorry to say so but sadly its true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.  You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done..."

Solomon said it a bit more succinctly when he stated (in Proverbs 19): "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."


Once again yesterday, the Lord impressed upon my heart that what Julie (and I) are walking through is not about us.  Its about his purposes. Its counter-intuitive (as is much of Jesus' teaching) to the world's perspective. But both of us have felt (and prayed) that the Lord will reach others through this journey - that he will bring them to himself.


In "Oh, The Places You'll Go!", there is a turn for the better. Here is how the book finishes:


"...But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are...


...You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up  your right foot with your left...


...and will you succeed? Yes! You will indeed! (98 and 3/4% guaranteed.)  KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS"


Of course, God says it clear in His word when he tells us that life is not easy. In fact, once you have Christ in your life, its likely to be harder. However, we will succeed.  And its 100% guaranteed. Jesus defeated the enemy.  We win.  Regardless of what happens to us on this earth, with Jesus, we are guaranteed to spend eternity (which, by my simple calculations is a loooooong time) with God in heaven. And, Seuss had it right, we can actually move mountains (see Matthew 17:20)!


Update on time line
As I mentioned in my last entry, surgery has been rescheduled. This is due to the fact that the breast surgeon has to attend a funeral for a dear friend's husband (37 years old) who lost a 7-month battle to brain cancer. So, please pray for Toni Green and her friend and friend's family.  The funeral is this Thursday.


Julie's surgery is next Tuesday, the 19th. We have had to move out the follow up visit with the oncologist from the 20th to the 1st of August (as her oncologist will be on vacation after Julie's surgery). This is a very important meeting as we get the pathology results and determine the post surgery treatment plan.


We are still praying for elimination of the tumor, no cancer in the lymph nodes, and no "cancer gene" in the DNA testing.


Thank you to all who have offered to pray and help.  We are so grateful.  A special thank you to Dave Ellis, a friend from Phoenix who attended the MLB All Star Game last night, and if you watched the game, you know that they had a special dedication to support people with cancer.  Dave and his family lifted up Julie's name in support on national television.  Extremely humbling.


Blessings to all

Quick Update: Curve Ball

Just when you think you have it all figured out.  


We got a curve ball thrown at us today. Surgery, originally scheduled for this Thursday morning is being moved to Tuesday of next week. We've prayed for God to align the doctors, the timing and for guidance on key decisions that need to be made, so clearly he wants this date for us!


On Monday the 18th, Julie will go to the hospital for a pre-op procedure where they will put the radioactive dye into her blood stream.  This procedure allows the surgeon to test the sentinel lymph nodes during surgery on Tuesday.


Then, on Tuesday the 19th, Julie will check into the hospital at 6:00am.  Surgery is scheduled to begin at 7:00am, and will take anywhere from 3-5 hours, depending on what they find out about the lymph nodes (cancer or no cancer) and if they need to remove more of them.  She is scheduled to then get checked into Penrose St. Francis North hospital and will stay overnight.  We hope to have her released by mid-day on Wednesday (if all goes well!).


This requires that we change some already scheduled follow up meetings with the oncologist (originally scheduled for the 20th), and maybe a few others. While have been preparing ourselves for surgery this week, it does give us a bit more time to pray and prepare emotionally. 


I will update more later

Perspective

There's something about perspective. One thing this journey has provided is perspective. 


Just after we found out about the cancer diagnosis, I remember looking at the ocean while walking on the beach in Maui, and appreciating each wave that kissed the shore as if it might be the last one. I loved the feel of sand underneath my feet.  The smell of the ocean, the warmth of the sun, the sound and feeling of waves washing over my feet. For whatever reason each of these things seemed more real.  More intense.  More alive. 


Since then, almost everything I do seems to take on more significance, have more meaning, be more "intense" (in a good way). I appreciate the soft touch of Julie's hand. I love the smell of the lotion she uses.  Her eyes are greener than I remember them being. Her laugh is like music to my ears. 


What is it about life that we sometimes need a tragic event, or difficult news to make us appreciate something more?  Make us look at it differently? I have no regrets, but if I could change one thing about the past, its that I would have had a greater appreciation for the simple things in life along the way. One tiny piece of advice?  Don't wait for the event or the bad news. Live life to the full, hand in hand with the Lord, today.  And tomorrow. And the next day.


Today I spent nearly 3 hours doing yard work.  Long overdue yard work.  I pulled weeds (lots and lots of weeds), trimmed bushes, cut the 1 ft-high lawn. Speaking of which, Adam and I are going to have a little chat when I get to heaven about the whole weed thing.  


I hate weeds.  Hate 'em.  They grow even when they have no soil, no rain and no care. The slightest bit of nurturing feeds them and makes them grow fast. Why can't I get the flowers to do that?  I began to think about how invasive they are...kinda like sin.  Sin "so easily ensnares us".  It seems to grow even when it only has the slightest bit of attention, yet growing a beautiful flower takes good soil, lots of water and lots of nurturing care.  Ahh life.


We spent a few hours today pouring over the information packets given to us by  a myriad of doctors.  The oncologist's office gave us a 3-ring binder (2 inches thick) that is filling up fast with information. We ate a fantastic dinner made by a dear friend tonight (and enjoyed one yesterday from an awesome CSK team member!)


Tomorrow is the pre-op meeting with the breast surgeon.  And the week is going to be a very busy one.  We'd sure appreciate prayer for priorities - that we would be able to make good decisions on what is the most important, and not stress about the rest.


Thank you again for your prayers, your provision (food!) and your friendship and love.  


Blessings

Celebration

I'm tired. Probably not a huge revelation eh?  Today was the most "normal" day we have had in a while.  We took the opportunity to drive up to my sister's house in Conifer, CO to have a fantastic prayer session.  It was an awesome time of engaging with family and listening to and communing with the Lord. 


We prayed for many things, including the removal of the tumor, peace, family unity, wisdom....But something struck me as I reflected on our time during the drive home (and we had lots of time to reflect due to a severe accident that had us parked on highway 285 - literally parked with the engine off). A word that kept coming up during our prayer time: Celebration. 


Why celebration and celebration of what?


Well, several things come to mind.  The first is that God calls us to "be joyful in all things" (yes, including suffering). Joy is one thing (and it can be fleeting), but celebration? Yes. Celebration:  


Celebration that God is sovereign. He is still on the throne and regardless of what might come to pass, its all part of his plan. Celebration that He has blessed us with an amazing family and friends. Celebration that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. Celebration that for whatever reason, God has called us to walk this journey and that He will reach people through Julie.  That's something to celebrate.


We also get to celebrate victory.  Victory that Christ won on the cross - victory of sin, death, and the power of the devil. Victory over cancer!


Tomorrow is Sunday...hopefully it will be another "normal" day.  After church, I get to cut the lawn. And other than it being about a foot tall (which is definitely not normal), its a nice normal activity.


Monday is another busy day: Julie is back to see Dr. Green, and hopefully a visit with the primary care physician.  Wednesday she goes to the spa in preparation for Thursday. Gotta make sure that she's in the best mindset possible :-)


We hope to hear back on the exact time of the surgery on Thursday early next week.


Now, off to bed.  I'm tired.

Biology Lesson

Have you ever said "I have no idea why I am taking "...fill in the blank...I'll never need to use that!" I usually filled in the blank with "Geometry", or "Calculus", or "Physics", and yes "Russian History".  I am sure you have your own. 


Was high school biology ever on that list? Based on today's meeting with the oncologist, I wish I had paid more attention in high school biology! (Another caveat to this post - I am not a biologist, chemist or any other "ist".  I hope I was a good listener and got all this right.  I am also sure I have oversimplified it.)


Today we met with Julie's oncologist, Dr. Sue Kim.  While the information was frequently over our heads, the bottom line was that the information was fascinating and encouraging.


The good news: Her clinical diagnosis based on the original biopsy, and her exam of Julie, including Julie's lymph nodes, was that there is a good chance Julie won't need chemotherapy. (Yeah!) That "good chance" is based on a few factors, the primary being that the post-operative pathology report is the same (or close to the same) as the clinical diagnosis.  This means that they find no cancer in the lymph nodes and the size of the original tumor is the same size as they think it is.  We will get that report and review it with Dr. Lee on the 20th of July.


If there is cancer in the lymph nodes, we are probably back to chemo.  If there is not cancer in the lymph nodes, and the tumor is larger than the diagnosis, we are in a grey area.  If we are in a grey area, then there is a special test that Julie is eligible for, particularly given that her mom, Katy, has had bilateral breast cancer (and thankfully is a survivor!). That test is called the Oncotype DX test.


The Oncotype DX test is a genetic test for the likelihood of cancer recurrence. In overly simplistic terms it determines if Julie has the "cancer gene".  If she has the gene, then we are in a different situation. If she has the gene, there is an 80% probability she will develop breast cancer (well that one is already determined), and a 50% probability of other cancer (likely ovarian).  If its positive, we are likely (but not for sure) back to chemo, and it has repercussions for down stream treatment/surgery (like removal of ovaries).  If its negative, we are back to the grey area.  


Here is a link to the Oncotype DX website.  I have not gone through it, but am passing information based solely on the information from the oncologist. Oncotype DX


Grey area options:
If we are in the grey area, there is a series of questions we will sort through, and data and analysis (largely from the from the Adjuvant website) that outlines probabilities of recurrence of cancer based on post mastectomy treatment.  Based on the probabilities of cancer recurrence, we have to choose an option for post surgical treatment. While there are many options, the the two major ones are as follows:

1. Chemotherapy - Chemo is a chemical cocktail that is delivered through IV to basically attack the cancer cells. Its non-discriminatory in that it attacks good cells as well as bad ones.  Its also attacks DNA structures.  Good news is that based on the predicted cancer type and stage, Julie would only need about 4 treatments.  Bad news - it still has bad side effects, including temporary hair loss.
2. Hormonal Endocrine Therapy.  Since the tumor is estrogen positive, this is a good (and likely) alternative.  There is a medication called Tamoxifen that is designed to attack the estrogen receptors that are attached to the cancer cells.  The medication does not block estrogen production (good news), but stops the ability of the estrogen receptor on the cancer cell to use estrogen as a growth tool. (The cancer cell wants to use estrogen to grow since its estrogen positive).  If for some reason there would be a need to remove the ovaries, there is another medicine that works like Tamoxifen, but doesn't work through estrogen receptors (no ovaries = no estrogen production = estrogen receptors have nothing to block).

The analysis tool allows you to put in information (age, cancer type, size, stage, grade, etc), and it "spits back" a graph that shows, based on years of data of breast cancer patients, the probability of recurrence. Right now, based on clinical diagnosis (not pathological), there is a 24% chance of cancer recurrence post surgery with no post surgery treatment. Then it shows how that probability changes with chemotherapy or hormonal endocrine therapy.  We will go over all of this during our visit with the oncologist on the 20th.

Sorry for the science lesson and length....

Other information

• We have set the surgery date for the 14th
• Julie has decided on a bilateral mastectomy
• We still don't know exactly which reconstructive surgery will look like, but more on that post surgery
• Julie has a bunch of pre-op stuff to do next week, including going back to the primary care physician for "release" to surgery, EKGs, etc.
• We are heading up to my sister's in Conifer tomorrow for specific prayer (thank you Lori!)

Specific prayer points:

1. That God will remove the tumor.  Julie felt like it was actually smaller today during the exam with the Oncologist
2. That the insurance stuff (very complex) will get sorted out
3. Again, that there is no cancer in the lymph nodes
4. The peace that passes all understanding and that we keep our hearts and minds focused on Jesus!

Thank you all for your prayers and support!

Until next time, 

God is good.  All the time.

If/Then - Else

Remember decision trees in middle school math?  If A, then B, else C...


Today's decision tree felt like a 100-year old weeping willow. We met with 2 different reconstructive plastic surgeons, both very nice and qualified that gave us more options and potentials and what ifs than we could realistically process. We could do this kind of surgery, but if an infection happens, we have to do it all over again. Probability of that?  20%.  We could actually do this other surgery, unless, this happens, then, we have to go with option A.  If we go option B, then there is actually another surgery 12 weeks later.  Or maybe 6 months later. Then, after surgery, it could be 4 weeks, maybe 8, and during that time we'll do these three things....unless there is chemo involved, then we have to go down this other route.  Oh yeah, forgot about the drain, oh and the lack of sensation. Forever. And, cosmetically, we need to think about....Oh, and no showering for 5 days.  Maybe 10. Yuk. Uncle!  Uncle!  Uncle! 


There is an amazing amount of information regarding how the body works - and in the midst of all the fear, anxiety, and complexity, its actually amazing to learn about how God designed the body, and what the medical community knows and how they actually do some of this stuff.


I find some of the "normality" of the discussion with the doctors a bit disquieting. I heard and used the word "breast" about 400 times today.  I probably haven't heard or used that word 10 times in the last 40 years.  Its also difficult at times to realize and watch the periodic loss of dignity. Undress, exam, probe, measure, discuss, dress, undress, exam, probe, measure again, discuss.


Today was emotionally draining for Julie.  I am amazed at her strength and ability to maintain a sense of humor (sometimes more than others) through all of this. There is a constant battle between logic and heart; between emotional decisions and practical ones. A good prayer point for today would be that we would hear only God's voice in making the decisions, that we would lean on him for the emotional and spiritual restoration that he promises us in his word.


Tomorrow's another day.  We visit the oncologist.  Not sure what to expect, but we will have the discussion about chemotherapy.  That's not going to be pretty.


A special thank you to my colleagues at CSK who have been supportive in so many ways, including giving me the freedom to be with Julie and the confidence that all our clients are in good hands.


Holding it all loosely....