Christmas Cookies

Here is a "guest" blog post from Julie!

Has anyone been baking this season?  Made any good cookies lately?  This is how it goes when I bake cookies...

 FIrst, I have to sample the batter a few times to make sure it is just right.  I like raw cookie dough better than the final baked cookie.  Then, when the cookies are finally in the oven they smell so good that you can't wait for them to come out so you can sink your teeth into a warm and gooey bite of deliciousness.  Check once, not done yet.  Check twice - still pretty raw in the center.  Check yet another time - well, maybe they will finish cooking on the cooling rack.  After all, a slightly underdone cookie is far better than a slightly overcooked one.

So, I take them out early and scoop them off of the cookie sheet onto the cooling rack.  Because the cookie is most likely undercooked and it is most certainly steaming hot - it sort of smushes up on the spatula when I try to move it from the sheet to the rack.  What to do with a shushed cookie on your spatula?  Only one thing, my friends, only one option.  You have to eat it!  Lick it off of the spatala if necessary.  ( I have loads of clean utensils at the ready just for this reason)   Soooo.... I eat my first bite of warm and gooey deliciousness, and I burn my toungue!  I think it tastes good, but it's so dang hot that I can't really taste it.  So, I better try another one ( they are cool enough by now)  -and it's perfect!  Nirvana has been reached :)  The next batch goes in the oven and I repeat the cycle all over again.   

I love to bake.  I love the whole process.  The dough, the mess, the smells, and the final product.  My impatience with the process of waiting for something to cook just adds to the fun of it all. Because I know the timer will eventually go off.  I know things will cook if I would leave the oven door closed long enough.  And I know the final product will be worth the wait.  ( even if it is smushed up on the spatula).

I have not loved the process of going throgh chemo.  I feel like the cookie dough.  Lots of ingredients go into a good dough and many of them are pretty distasteful on their own.  You have to really beat the dough to get it to come together - and that can't be fun.  Going under the beaters hurts.  Alot.  And then the heat of the oven is required to finish the process.  Ouch.  Intense heat hurts too.  Even more than the beaters.  

Finally, after much waiting and peeking, the timer goes off and a wonderful experience awaits.  Ahhhh... from raw eggs and flour and baking soda and butter comes a transformed gift.  It was worth the wait.  

I have my last chemo this Thursday, the 22nd.  I am every bit as impatient for this to be over as I am for the cookies to bake.  Even more so, because I now know how the cookie dough feels.  I have tried to hurry the process.  From begging God to just deliver me from this pit to begging the oncologist to not make me go through 6 chemo treatments, and then trying to negotiate a lower dose of chemo drugs...  nobody is smiling at my pleas for mercy.  The cookie won't cook in 5 minutes and I am not getting out of 6 full on chemo treatements.  

I know that when I am done with this process I will be changed.  Not just physically, but in every aspect of my life.  You can't go through something like this without some pretty big changes.  I no longer resemble raw ingredients.  Being beaten and cooked has made me a better person.  I appreciate things so much more than I did before.  I take very little for granted.  And I love my life more than ever.  And the timer hasn't even gone off yet!

I don't know how I am going to end up when I am done.  Only God knows that.  And He hasn't burned anything yet.  So, I wait for the final treatment with a mix of impatience and trust.  I know it will be worth the wait.  And I'm hungry!!!  

Tomorrow is the LAST chemo!!! please pray for:

• Complete healing
• Zero side effects
• Good blood numbers so we can do the last chemo
• Wisdom on post chemo treatment choices
• Favor in scheduling follow up surgeries for port removal and final reconstruction

Merry Christmas!!

83.33% Done

Statistically speaking, we're almost there: 5/6th complete. Emotionally speaking - we're so thankful we are almost there. Physically speaking - we can't wait until we are there.

Julie had chemo #5 yesterday.  So far, it has gone well, certainly better than last time. Thank you for the prayers, they are making a huge difference!

We spent a lot of time talking with Dr. Kim about what lies ahead, post chemo. There is a fairly long list of things to contemplate and take care of, including:

• Scheduling the removal of the chemo port (Julie is trying to do the same day or the day after her last chemo, which will be on the 22nd of December).
• Talking with a radiation specialist for consultation (while we don't believe we will do radiation, we will probably at least talk to the guy).
• Preparing for 10 years of endocrine therapy, which includes shifting some of her long-term medications in preparation for starting tamoxifen. 
• Making some key decisions on ovary removal, which has impact on the type of endocrine therapy she does.
• Scheduling reconstruction surgery, which ultimately depends on if she will do radiation or not. We have a consultation meeting set up for the 28th of December.
• Growing her hair back :-)

Julie will be going to see Dr. Kim every three months for the first year, then every six months for the next two years, then once a year after that.  She will continually do blood tests, physical exams and likely some ultrasounds for the rest of her life.

Many people have asked me if the chemotherapy treatment is "working". The short answer is, we have no idea. Beyond blood tests (and perhaps ultrasound tests), there are no real test to determine if there are any small pockets of cancer cells (that may grow into tumors).  In order for cancer to show up on a PET (or similar scan), she'd have to have about 1 million aggregated cancer cells. Cancer cells show up "hot" on the scan and small amounts of cells don't generate enough "heat" and therefore don't show up.

Her entire treatment regiment is based on a longitudinal standard of care - determined largely by mathematical formulae based on her age; type, stage and grade of cancer; and family history. Dr. Kim has given Julie an aggressive form of treatment, ostensibly to give her the highest probability of long term survival. But in the end, its all based on statistics - you don't really know if the chemotherapy has destroyed every cancer cell or not. Nor do you really ever know if will come back. 

However, we don't live in fear. We live in victory! It's all based on God's plan.  He know how many days she (and all of us) will be on this earth — Exactly how many breaths we will take. We put our full hope and trust in Him. We trust and believe he has completely healed her - and He gets all the glory. And, we have plans to fully enjoy every day He chooses to give us.

This coming week will be a low one as Julie bounces back from the steroids, chemo and all the meds. Its cold in Colorado now, so its a good time to stay inside and enjoy the Christmas decorations. Please continue to pray against bad side effects!

Blessings to all in this magical season of celebration!