Be Careful What You Pray For

I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "Be careful what you pray for"...

You know, some poor soul says, "Lord, please give me patience," and the person next to them says, "Are you crazy? Be careful what you pray for!  You know what happens when you pray for patience, right? God gives you lots of things that annoy you so you can "learn" to be patient!"

Backtrack with me several years.  My wife is so amazing. A-May-Zing. One night as we are sharing about what God is doing in our lives, she tells me that she has been praying to be a better wife and a better mom.  For years.  Yes, years.  I, of course, feel like a yutz. Why? Because I have not been praying to be a better husband and father. So, rather than admit that, I say (sincerely but charmingly), "Why would you do that?  You are already the best wife and mom on the planet." She then proceeds to tell me about the 5 books she has bought on the topic, the 48 verses she has found relating to the topic, and has been diligently praying about being a better mom and wife. Hmmm. Pride sets in. Guilt builds. A year goes by.

Then, about 18 months ago, I start to feel compelled to do a bit of research into this "role of husband". I pick up my dusty copy of Emerson Eggerich's book "Love and Respect". I do some Bible research on verses relating to husbandly duties. And, I get stuck on this verse in Ephesians 5: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy..."  And I say to myself "Yeah, right. All she has to do is submit to me in everything (previous verse in Ephesians 5).  I have to do what Jesus did. Now, how am I possibly going to do that?"

So...I start this simple little prayer - usually when I am out for a walk with my wife. I don't pray it every day. I am still flummoxed (love that word) on how I am supposed to love her like Jesus loves all of us. But, I pray it anyway. "Lord, help me learn to love Julie like you love your bride."

Seemed pretty innocuous at the time.

Fast forward to June 24, 2011. I am racing to get 300 things done before I leave on a week vacation. The last day in the office before vacation is harrowing to put it mildly. I figure if I push, I can get out by 6:00pm, then go home and pack, and get up at 4:30am to drive to Denver and get on a plane to Maui. Then, my cell phone rings. 12:30pm. Its Julie.  "Hi Honey, just wanted  you to know I am on my way to the hospital.  I found a lump in my left breast, went to the doctor and she is sending me to Penrose main."

Although I don't know it yet, I am about to get an answer to my innocuous little prayer.

It's amazing what your brain does, OK, what my brain does when something like that hits you. You start thinking about 214 things at the same time. Are the girls OK? Is she OK? Which  doctor did she go to? Is this serious? Can we still go to Hawaii? Where is Penrose Main? Should I leave right now? How long will this take? Who should I call to get them praying? What's for dinner?

Then, I arrive at the hospital, and all 214 things melt into oblivion.  God's grace is amazing. All I can do is focus on her. All I want to do is sit next to her and hold her hand. Look into her eyes. Tell her I love her. I'm sure that I have never loved her as much as I did at that moment when we met in the parking lot in front of the hospital. Until she came out of the mammography department and we walked hand in hand to radiology. Then that love paled in comparison to how I felt about her when she finished her biopsy. And that was like puppy love compared to when we walked on the beach after we heard from our good friend Kevin (her OB-GYN) that it was cancer.

And, every moment we get to share since then I have grown more and more in love with her. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's painful. Yes it's frustrating. Yes, it's so very, very hard. And, yes, I'd never change a thing. Let me be clear - I am not happy that she has cancer. I'm angry and sad and sometimes feel hopeless. I am also not saying that God gave her cancer so her "wee-bit slow husband" could learn how to love her more.  But, God has an amazing way of redeeming the evil that is so prevalent in this world.

I've clearly not entirely grasped Ephesians 5:25, but I think God has provided me a tiny glimpse into how much he loves us. Its overwhelming.

And remember, be careful what you pray for...